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Iranian Devo Cover band announces new tour dates

WWII Japanese soldier stuck in lift since 1943, still thinks the war is still on

New York. angry samurai

A recent health and safety audit of the Transcorp building in New York has discovered the reason for the company’s record of workplace-related deaths – 85 year old Yushi Kamamoto.  Kamamoto, a WWII Japanese war veteran still believes the great war is ongoing ever since he was stuck in a service elevator  back in the 1940’s. Incredibly for the last five decades he has survived on scraps from the buildings kitchens and fuelled by his hatred of the ‘western devil’.

Service lift

Kamamoto's home for the past 50 years

He existed undiscovered until the late 70’s by emerging from the lift each night slowly picking off those that worked late or came in early to beat the rush.

This all changed in at the cusp of the 80’s when he was discovered passed out in a corridor on the fourth floor after inhaling photocopier toner. Since then his skills in the deadly sword skills have become an acceptable but hidden aspect of the corporation. For more on this we interviewed the company’s Human Resource Director, Mr Blake Reeves, who joined the company in 1985.

” At first it was a mystery to us, all these people turning up dead in cupboards or falling from the roof without limbs” said Reeves, “We simply had no idea”.

“But when we saw the little chap passed out outside the stationary department with his blood-stained katana beside him, we started putting the pieces together”.

When asked about the terrible loss of lives at this elderly warrior’s hands, Reeves had this to say, “Oh yes it was a catastrophe of course but you have to understand that at that time in the 1980’s we had been rocked by a recession and losing a couple of people here and there was actually welcomed by the board”.

Mr Reeves went on to explain how the presence of Mr Kamamoto eventually became an asset to the company.

“When the Industrial Workplace Relations act came into play in the 90’s with the return of the unions,  it became so damn hard to fire anyone. You simply couldn’t do it. We were used to simply shuffling the troublesome upstarts around to other departments. But then at a board meeting, Johnson mentioned that we should use that little Japanese chap. He had killed at least 30 people so far so we thought, why not put him to good use? And so we did”.

office_plants

Kamamoto would offer hide in the plants before striking

And so they did. Kamamoto was given his first real job, with the albeit questionable job title as “cleaner”. From then on he would emerge from the defunct service lift with deadly intent, effortlessly dispatching anyone who was not performing in line with the company’s goals. Within a week, the company’s outstanding non-performers met their demise.

This from Roland Keynes in Accounts Payable, “He was normally so quiet when he lurked around the building, often taking cover behind the office plants before a deadly strike. But then there was this one time when one of the slackers knew he was coming and managed to evade him. Little Kama tore the office up trying to reach him but had no luck. But it didn’t last long. He later cornered the man at lunchtime gutting him from behind as the man boasted of his escape. Bloody gory it was but was certainly the topic of conversation for the next couple of weeks.”

This continued unabated until early last month. Unfortunately, one of the new Admin assistants sat him with at lunch and accidentally told him that the war ended over 50 years ago. This was taken badly by the now wizened old man who felt great shame for his killer rampage over the last 5 decades.

A couple of days passed and the following invitation was sent through the internal mail to the staff. Gladys Brookstone, one of the PAs for upper management described the event.

harikari

Kamamoto was proud of the invite

“It was lovely in its own special way but short. We all gathered in the lunchroom and Kamamoto was already there rocking forward on his knees chanting something in his own language with these strange smelling sticks. One of the young men mistook it for a song and started clapping”.

Blake Reeves again with his comments on the event. “I was turning back from the table with a sausage roll, he stood up and started dressing in some kind of ceremonial dress. He then said something in his broken English nodding to the bosses and then it happened. He then lunged his sword into his stomach as he stifled screams of extreme pain before finally expiring on the floor. It was quite extreme. We all then kind of clapped awkwardly as his last death calls came out”.

Death metal songwriters slaughter their last sacrificial goat

This week,  fans of Death metal the world over celebrate 20 years of the hardest, darkest, most satanic music ever written. They celebrate the songwriting duo who have given the genre such classics as “Let it bleed”, “Satan claims the earth” and the seminal “Hellbound”.

With over two decades of hits behind them they’ve finally decided to call it a day and hang up their horns. In this exclusive interview we talk to the masters, Ethel and Norman Bates.

Ethel and Norman Bates, Death metal songwriters

Ethel and Norman Bates, Death metal songwriters

Metal Magazine: Ethel, Norman we’re very excited to be interviewing you today, the undisputed masters of metal. How did you start in the business?

Ethel Bates: Well I was always into Jazz, ever since the early days but when I first heard Morbid Angel’s “Bleed for the devil”  in the 80’s I thought, now that’s different..Norman Bates: It certainly was. I remember the lyrics as if it was yesterday… (uses darker croakier voice) “Fill the air with the smell of death / Grace us with your magic / Fill the night with the stench of evil / I summon forth the beast“. (Both laugh and smile fondly at each other)

MM: So what was it that drew you to songwriting?

EB: Definitely the raw power. There’s nothing like writing a reference to the dark lord that rhymes. Take for example the first song we wrote together, Raise the bloodlines of the Dark One. I still remember the line: With blood-stained eyes I tear out your heart/ Behold Satan with his dark art.” NB (laughs): Aah yes, lovely line there. I agree with Ethel, you certainly get a buzz particularly when a song has incited mindless violence, called upon the demon realm and defiled the virgins (both giggle).

MM: You’ve certainly worked with the greats of the genre: Satyricon, Angel Curse, Darkwoods, & Mercenary. All have deep respect for your talents. Gorgoth, from Death eaters, in particular has said, ” Ethel and Norman are the fucken darkest motherfuckers on this earth!”. What do you think about these compliments?

Gorgoth - fan of the Bates

Gorgoth - fan of the Bates

NB: Gorgoth? Isn’t he the one who does stuff with bats? (Ethel nods). It’s lovely to hear that of course, but the biggest pleasure we get is watching from backstage and looking down on a writhing, sweaty black mass of fans thrashing to a song you’ve written. To see all that angst and pain finally released on everyone around them. Lovely. EB: Sometimes it gets me going so much that I would throw myself into the moshpit and get caught up in it all. Of course since the hip replacement and the walking frame that’s a little harder ..(both laugh)

MM: So what’s the secret of your success?

NB: When you’ve worked so closely together as we have for so many years you really need to get on. EB: That’s right. NB:We start each morning at 5, after my first bowel movement with a nice cup of tea in the kitchen. Over the tea we talk about some themes we’d like to write about. You know, things like, open graves, daemonic wolf packs, blood on the streets, anarchy and so on.. EB: just to get the juices flowing..NB: That’s right, to get us in the mood. While Ethel goes and puts her teeth in I make my way to the study and get the blankets ready for our comfortable chairs where we then sit and write for the rest of the day until we’re finished..EB (laughing): or if one of us needs to empty our bladders!! Actually, I find painful constipation inspires me. Some of my best songs were written on the toilet you know.

MM: Ethel, Norman, on that note, I want to thank you for your time today and for your extensive contribution to the genre of death metal music. Hail Satan!

EB & NB(both making devil signs with their hands): Hail Satan!