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A recent health and safety audit of the Transcorp building in New York has discovered the reason for the company’s record of workplace-related deaths – 85 year old Yushi Kamamoto. Kamamoto, a WWII Japanese war veteran still believes the great war is ongoing ever since he was stuck in a service elevator back in the 1940’s. Incredibly for the last five decades he has survived on scraps from the buildings kitchens and fuelled by his hatred of the ‘western devil’.
He existed undiscovered until the late 70’s by emerging from the lift each night slowly picking off those that worked late or came in early to beat the rush.
This all changed in at the cusp of the 80’s when he was discovered passed out in a corridor on the fourth floor after inhaling photocopier toner. Since then his skills in the deadly sword skills have become an acceptable but hidden aspect of the corporation. For more on this we interviewed the company’s Human Resource Director, Mr Blake Reeves, who joined the company in 1985.
” At first it was a mystery to us, all these people turning up dead in cupboards or falling from the roof without limbs” said Reeves, “We simply had no idea”.
“But when we saw the little chap passed out outside the stationary department with his blood-stained katana beside him, we started putting the pieces together”.
When asked about the terrible loss of lives at this elderly warrior’s hands, Reeves had this to say, “Oh yes it was a catastrophe of course but you have to understand that at that time in the 1980’s we had been rocked by a recession and losing a couple of people here and there was actually welcomed by the board”.
Mr Reeves went on to explain how the presence of Mr Kamamoto eventually became an asset to the company.
“When the Industrial Workplace Relations act came into play in the 90’s with the return of the unions, it became so damn hard to fire anyone. You simply couldn’t do it. We were used to simply shuffling the troublesome upstarts around to other departments. But then at a board meeting, Johnson mentioned that we should use that little Japanese chap. He had killed at least 30 people so far so we thought, why not put him to good use? And so we did”.
And so they did. Kamamoto was given his first real job, with the albeit questionable job title as “cleaner”. From then on he would emerge from the defunct service lift with deadly intent, effortlessly dispatching anyone who was not performing in line with the company’s goals. Within a week, the company’s outstanding non-performers met their demise.
This from Roland Keynes in Accounts Payable, “He was normally so quiet when he lurked around the building, often taking cover behind the office plants before a deadly strike. But then there was this one time when one of the slackers knew he was coming and managed to evade him. Little Kama tore the office up trying to reach him but had no luck. But it didn’t last long. He later cornered the man at lunchtime gutting him from behind as the man boasted of his escape. Bloody gory it was but was certainly the topic of conversation for the next couple of weeks.”
This continued unabated until early last month. Unfortunately, one of the new Admin assistants sat him with at lunch and accidentally told him that the war ended over 50 years ago. This was taken badly by the now wizened old man who felt great shame for his killer rampage over the last 5 decades.
A couple of days passed and the following invitation was sent through the internal mail to the staff. Gladys Brookstone, one of the PAs for upper management described the event.
“It was lovely in its own special way but short. We all gathered in the lunchroom and Kamamoto was already there rocking forward on his knees chanting something in his own language with these strange smelling sticks. One of the young men mistook it for a song and started clapping”.
Blake Reeves again with his comments on the event. “I was turning back from the table with a sausage roll, he stood up and started dressing in some kind of ceremonial dress. He then said something in his broken English nodding to the bosses and then it happened. He then lunged his sword into his stomach as he stifled screams of extreme pain before finally expiring on the floor. It was quite extreme. We all then kind of clapped awkwardly as his last death calls came out”.